Hurt - Nine Inch Nails

"Captain of the Enterprise" (justanotherdayinparadise) 02/27/2019 at 17:50 • Filed to: None

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Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks > Captain of the Enterprise 02/27/2019 at 18:00

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Chuckles > Captain of the Enterprise 02/27/2019 at 18:01

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So this is a beautiful song and I love it, as well as the cover by Johnny Cash. But I also know what type of mood I'm usually in when I'm listening to this song, so I just want to ask: are you doing ok?

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > Chuckles 02/27/2019 at 18:06

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shit... seconded

you al right mate

Captain of the Enterprise > Chuckles 02/27/2019 at 18:14

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I’m well, really not okay right now. I’m 24 and in college and I have depression and anxiety and a history of childhood trauma and neglect. I’m having some suicidal thoughts right now. I’ve been working on past trauma and abuse in therapy and we’ve been working on my alcoholic and bipolar moms death when I was 17 and how I feel like I killed her by choosing to move in with my Dad full time when I was 16 and then never talked to her again. I think she killed herself but don’t know for sure because the death certificate said inconclusive. I hate myself and don’t think I deserve happiness, a good life or just living. I hate everything about myself and punish myself constantly. I’m dealing with a lot of emotions and pain from reimmersing myself and remembering those times and when I was living with her at her worst. I repressed it and my emotions for years and now it makes me want to die a lot to escape it and not feel anything ever again or hate myself anymore. I won’t do it, I tried before and removed myself instead before it could work and don’t have it in me to try again. But I’m at that level of emotional pain and distress. :,(

Nibby > Captain of the Enterprise 02/27/2019 at 18:30

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Hopefully you’re seeing a therapist or some sort of counseling for those traumatic experiences. But a some point you have to realize holding yourself hostage is only going to limit yourself and you will cease growing... you’ll reach a plateau and just sit there. DON’T do that. Get the help you need, try to be more proactive. Start small. The man who moves mountains starts by removing small rocks.

Chuckles > Captain of the Enterprise 02/27/2019 at 18:58

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I’m sorry that you’re struggling with depression and anxiety. While I don’t have clinical depression myself, I’m in a long term relationship with someone who does. We’ve been together for almost 9 years now. As of today, it’s been two weeks since she came home after spending 8 days in a psych ward to help her deal with her depression, self-injury, and suicidal ideation. I’m only telling you this so that you can understand that I know how it feels when people around you (like your mom and my girlfriend) are struggling.

Here’s what I’ve learned in my 9 years of dating someone with depression: you can’t fix mental illness with kindness. I can’t cure my girlfriend just by being nice to her. She’s responsible for her own actions, and I am powerless to control her. The same was true of your mother. You are not responsible for her death. She had an illness, and there was nothing that you could have done (especially as a teenager) to fix her. So please try not to beat yourself up over things that were beyond your control.

If you aren't in treatment, please seek treatment. If you are in treatment, just keep working at it and don't give up. And I'm here if you want to talk, but I'm not a therapist at all. Just a guy who can relate a little bit.

Captain of the Enterprise > Nibby 02/27/2019 at 20:32

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I see a therapist twice a week and we started digging through past trauma because of the plateauing and having a lot of issues without knowing why. I also see a psychiatrist for my medications. 

Captain of the Enterprise > Chuckles 02/27/2019 at 20:36

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Thank you, I am in treatment. I see a therapist twice a week and a psychiatrist for medications. I did a hospitalization for 5- 6 weeks in the past which helped. We are doing trauma work now to help me get better it’s just really painful and hard to work through. It’s supposed to help in the long run though.

I’m sorry about your girlfriend and the effects it’s had on you. I can promise we don’t want to hurt those around us. I hope I can find someone like you in the future. I think it would be nice. 

nermal > Captain of the Enterprise 02/27/2019 at 21:20

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Find a passion and pursue it, and focus on the positives of that instead of negativity from the past. Seems simple in theory, but in practice much more difficult.

There’s o ne thing somebody told me a while ago that changed my entire life outlook - Think of the best thing you’ve ever experienced. Now remember that there was a point that you didn’t know that thing even existed. 

wafflesnfalafel > Spamfeller Loves Nazi Clicks 02/27/2019 at 21:38

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I am so glad Cash did that cover with all the demons he had to deal with.  Both versions are powerful.

Chuckles > Captain of the Enterprise 02/27/2019 at 22:31

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I’m glad that you’re doing the work to try and fight against mental illness. Just keep at it.

I was around your age when I met my girlfriend. We became friends and stayed that way for over a year before we ever started dating. I know that she doesn’t try to hurt me and the other people around her, but her actions absolutely impact us. She certainly doesn’t make my life simpler, but she makes it better, if that makes sense.

I hope that you find someone someday. But I think it’s good and important that you are working on yourself right now, because you need to learn to appreciate your self- worth before you will ever feel like you deserve to be in a relationship. I know it  feels like you don’t deserve to be happy, but you do. You have a life worth living.

Captain of the Enterprise > Chuckles 02/28/2019 at 07:19

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Thank you, I really am working hard on myself. I want to feel better so much and this is supposed to really help.